Laura Smith  

So welcome to unsung stories Bec. 

 

Bec Ford  

Thank you, 

 

Laura Smith  

Just so that our listeners can get to know you a little bit more. Could you tell us a bit about you and your family life and what everyday life looks like for you?

 

Bec Ford  

Yeah, so this year I've been married to Dan for 10 years. We have three kids. Dom who's six, Olivia is three and Josh is two. I'm an early childhood teacher trained, but currently a full time mom. And wish there was training for that.

 

Laura Smith  

I think we all wish that! So you've been a mama for six years now? How has the journey been for you? 

 

Bec Ford  

Um, journey is a good word. I think you just don't really know what you're in for until you have kids. And then the expectations change come each new child as well. When I think back to pregnancy with my first I had such rose colored glasses on. I feel like, though, from day one, the rug was pulled right out from under me from sleep deprivation, feeding issues and anxiety. I've really just been brought to my knees. And I think I was very naive for what we're getting into.

 

Laura Smith  

Yeah. And was there a bit of "Oh, this is my profession. Like, I know what I'm doing".

 

Bec Ford  

Kids are easy. People would make comments like that. They'd say,"but you worked with kids, you know what you're doing". But I really didn't know what I was doing. I still don't know what I'm doing!

 

Laura Smith  

I handed the back after a few hours!

 

Bec Ford  

Yeah, I didn't have to have them overnight. 

 

Laura Smith  

You didn't love them so much.

 

Bec Ford  

 Yeah. When is attached? wasn't getting paid? Well, I I'm not getting paid. You're not gonna pay. Yeah, yeah.

 

Laura Smith  

Yeah.

 

Bec Ford  

But if we truly knew what we were in for, we probably wouldn't make the plundge to have children. Right? 

 

Laura Smith  

Correct. Correct. 

 

Bec Ford  

Yeah.

 

Laura Smith  

So can you walk us through the last few years? And what's been going on for your family?

 

Bec Ford  

Yeah, strap yourself in.

 

Laura Smith  

Click clack.

 

Bec Ford  

Yeah, so Dan's been training in ministry for the last eight years. And for the final four, he studied at Bible college. And whilst he did that, we moved down to Sydney as a family, we moved down when I was pregnant with our second child, Olivia. And I don't think I anticipated how hard moving away from all we knew on the Central Coast was going to be, I miss my family, I miss my church, I miss my support networks, I miss the wide open spaces. And one that I really didn't expect was I really miss the ocean. So so much, I think I took for granted, but have since realized since moving. And then when Olivia was born, she was just a sad baby. But we didn't know why. But it came out that she was suffering from silent reflux. So she just screamed all the time, and wasn't happy unless she was upright on me. That was really tiring and hard. And then on top of that, being away from family support, and all my familiar sleep deprivation, my mental health took a toll. I felt sad, angry, overwhelmed, felt defeated, and yet had to keep going. You know, I had these two little people who I had to care for I couldn't just needed you give up, even though. That's what I wanted to do.

 

Laura Smith  

So did anything help during that time?

 

Bec Ford  

Yep. So Olivia was put on some medication for her reflux. So that really helped. It was actually really good for our marriage, because Dan had to pull back because we didn't have our support system around Dan had to be my support. And so he had to pull back from college where he would have liked to have given more. So though, that was really tough. I think it was really good for our marriage to, you know, give for each other and help each other survive through that crazy time. That around eight months, it felt like our heads were just coming up out of the water. When we found out we were expecting baby number three. Yeah, and so back, when Yeah, yes, but once the deed is done. Yeah, I laugh now. But

 

Laura Smith  

How did you feel through all of that, like that's, that's a big thing. Like, having a baby when it's not in your timing is really hard.

 

Bec Ford  

Yeah. You know, there's all different sorts of emotion that pop up because of that.

 

Laura Smith  

Yeah. What was going on for you?

 

Bec Ford  

I just didn't know how to cope. That's how I was first feeling. We living in a tiny two bedroom townhouse. I didn't have family around the corner to help out. And I think I just went into action mode, power on, we'll be fine. So I think pregnancy I survived and I just powered on, put it to the back of my mind. We'll be fine. We'll be okay. And then we did move house. When Joshua was born, we moved into a bigger space still in Sydney. And I think I was okay. Like I was managing okay, because a perk of college life is you have great big holidays. At the end of the year, so Dan was around, and I could just be with my new baby, and he could help with the other two. But then when he went back to study, I'd crash. I felt like I couldn't manage. 

 

Laura Smith  

In what way did you crash? 

 

Bec Ford  

I think I was just feeling overwhelmed. Yeah, you know, I kept thinking, this wasn't my plan. I was gonna be a perfect mother. Give my kids all the time they needed to grow and process emotion. And Olivia was really sad and jealous of Josh. So, you know, she was quite little. Yeah, she was only a baby herself. Yeah. And so I felt tremendous guilt that I couldn't give to her and to Josh, both what they probably needed. So once again, brought to my knees, feeling like a failure, dog tired, and wishing I wasn't in the situation, which you then feel tremendous guilt about? Because it's your child! You know, I love Josh dearly. But I just wanted to meet him in a few years. I didn't want to meet him so soon. But yeah, that's how I was feeling. So I don't know if anyone else knew what was going on for me, because I think I just withdrew into myself, and kept trying to just keep going, whilst on the inside, I was growing in frustration and fear and anger. I was snappy. I was flat. And so eventually plucked up the courage to tell my husband what was going on, and that I wanted to talk to someone about it. And then when I went to see my GP, I found out I had mild postnatal depression. So it wasn't as extreme as others might experience. But personally, I have depression none the less. But I think having someone professionally told me that I felt liberated.

 

Laura Smith  

Yeah, it's gonna ask How was that? Because that could be quite humbling or worrisome. So you've liberated is probably not something that I've heard before. Great description.

 

Bec Ford  

Yeah, I think for a long time, I just kept it all in my head. And because I was having such a hard time, I felt like, it's okay. I'm having I'm having a hard time because of this depression. And I think, you know, you have thoughts of what's wrong with me? Why am I feeling like this? Why can I cope in this situation?

 

Laura Smith  

Do you think that you would just depressed after your third? Or do you think this might have been something that you'd actually been carrying for a long time?

 

Bec Ford  

It's not super clear, it's a little bit grey. But I definitely have struggled with anxiety for a long time. And after my first and second, I definitely had a lot of anxiety, overwhelming anxiety, I was having panic attacks that I'd never experienced before. So that was about I don't think it was depression. I think it was just anxiety. 

 

Laura Smith  

And how did that play out for you? You're mentioning that Joshy? You're feeling flat after? What did the anxiety look like, after your first two children were born.

 

Bec Ford  

So Dom was a different challenge in a different way. We had a terrible time feeding. And during a session with my lactation consultant, she suggested that maybe I could come talk to her about anxiety and shame that she'd picked up on as she was doing sessions with me. And she was a counselor as well.

 

Laura Smith  

Oh, great. 

 

Bec Ford  

Yeah. So she's a lovely lady. She gave a lot for like to see me and my kids and to support us, which was a real blessing at the time.

 

Laura Smith  

What did you find helpful about seeing a counselor during that time, 

 

Bec Ford  

Um, she helped me dig into the fear and anxiety and shame I was feeling with parenting with feeding with, you know, I've got to look after this little baby, and my expectations are completely blown out of the water. And I just felt like I just didn't know what I was doing and was frozen in a way. And she helped me work through that brought up stuff from your own family history that she helped me work through, which helped me process how I was parenting,

 

Laura Smith  

and even just feeding issues. Like there's so much shame that can come when that doesn't go according to your plan,

 

Bec Ford  

Oh, totally. Yeah. And there's so much negativity toward formula and stuff. But yes,

 

Laura Smith  

and I think it's hot, maybe not heightened in Christian circles. But it's just the norm that least in my circle that people breastfed, and so I bottle fed my first and I agree with you just the shame of feeling inadequate, like I had in my head, that you just had to breastfeed, and that formula was bad because it's not the best thing for them because you just hear all the benefits of breastfeeding. Yes. 

 

Bec Ford  

Yeah. Which is great, but it is great. 

 

Laura Smith  

Yeah, it is a good designer, 

 

Bec Ford  

but when it doesn't work, it's okay. 

 

Laura Smith  

Yes, Fed is best and happy mum is best. 

 

Bec Ford  

Yes. So working through all that. Lots of tears. It wasn't easy. It was hard work sifting through all that stuff. And but every time I walked out of there, I was so thankful I'd gone because she just press the right buttons. She knew what to ask. She knew what to talk about, and how to get me to think deeper about what was going on with all the emotions I was feeling.

 

Laura Smith  

Yeah. And that's really hard to do. Because when you're already tired and exhausted, you don't really feel like going in tackling the hard things in life.

 

Bec Ford  

Totally. And if that's your like, your one hour of child free time as well, it's like, I really want to go spend that with a counselor. I'd rather go sit in a cafe by myself or something.

 

Laura Smith  

Well, sounds like was beneficial for you, though. 

 

Bec Ford  

Yeah. Yeah.

 

Laura Smith  

So you mentioned that you got pregnant unexpectedly with Joshy. How was that for you? Like, you've kind of touched on that it was really hard. Was there any kind of heart issues that surprised you in all of that?

 

Bec Ford  

Yeah, I think shock and disbelief at first is really hard to mentally psych myself up for something I wasn't ready to revisit again so soon. Yeah, I knew what was coming for me. And I had no control over it. So I think a lot of control stuff came out of wanting to be in control, and this wasn't my plan. I had this expectation that I was going to be there for my kids to just give them all the time and energy they needed from me. I don't know why, but I just had the passion. And, and

 

Laura Smith  

that will set them up developmentally for life.

 

Bec Ford  

Yeah, they won't be screwed up if I do that. Um, and so I wasn't even sure I wanted a third because I thought if we had to, then I'd be able to achieve that, you know, one on one. And so felt like I was just thrown into it. And I had to do it. And that was hard. And I think it's very easy when in that headspace to only see the negative and fail to see an alternative perspective, even though, it's just easy when you're out of it to see a bit more of the bigger picture. So in my mind,

 

Laura Smith  

yeah, we think we've got the perfect plan. But oh, God had a different one for you. 

 

Bec Ford  

Yeah. But because my perfect plan didn't pan out. I thought it was going to be bad. But I did have a lightbulb moment, which brought me out of that a little bit. It I don't know where I was or what was happening. But it just occurred to me that often people's plans don't go as they had in mind. I know that sounds really obvious. But in the time, it was really like, you know, there's infertility, people can be single, but wanting to be married. And there's awful things that happen, sudden illness and loss. And that's not part of their plan. It just added they helped me shift my focus out of myself and my own situation and look up, you know, God still loves me. He holds me in this circumstance. And Josh wasn't a shock to him. That was a great comfort to me, because I just needed to depend on him.

 

Laura Smith  

So when Joshy arrived, and you mentioned that you're feeling depressed? How did that look for you? Was there a particular moment that you realized you were depressed? And what prompted you to go and get help?

 

Bec Ford  

Yeah, I think there's been times that have been worse than others. But initially, I felt really flat and sad and overwhelmed and angry, so I was snappy with my kids, or my thoughts and things were negative. I found it hard to find joy in the little things. And I have this distinct memory. I remember sitting on the toilet, I think the older two, and Josh was in the bouncer next to me and all I wanted to do was go to the toilet and peace. And he was unsettled, and needing me and it just tipped me over the edge. And I was thinking this wasn't my plan. I can't do this. The situations didn't really warrant the reaction I was having. So I think I did realize that and I called Dan and downloaded to him, probably cried and you know, got to the point of I think I need to go get some help for this. And having had a history with anxiety. I knew my head's not in a great place, but I don't think I knew it was depression.

 

Laura Smith  

How did Dan handle that?

 

Bec Ford  

Oh, he's always been great with that thankfully. Oh, he's very gentle and a real support so always listens and cares and was willing to make it happen for me in any way that we need to. So a child free visit to the GP sounded quite liberating to me so but yeah, now he's he's very supportive and keen for me to try and get some professional help. I don't know if he knew it was where it was because I the extent of where I was at, because I just internalized a lot of it hard to talk about it.

 

Laura Smith  

Is that what you're naturally like?

 

Bec Ford  

Yeah, unfortunately, just sort of go into myself and need a few days to process so weeks or months. Yeah, fester on it. 

 

Laura Smith  

So you went to the GP? 

 

Bec Ford  

Yeah. And she was super supportive, wrote me a Medicare health plan, and I booked an appointment with a Christian psychologist. He was recommended through colleagues, I think I just felt like I needed more than just a quick Skype chat that I'd previously been having with my old counselor. I needed a space where I could just be away from my kids and talk.

 

Laura Smith  

And also, I think different people are helpful. I think counselors and psychologists are really great at giving strategies on coping, and so the different people you can see would probably have different strategies. 

 

Bec Ford  

Yeah, I think after I booked the appointment, I felt a lot better because I had a plan in place for moving forward. So once again, once the appointment rolled around, I thought, why am I going to this? I feel better. But yeah, it was helpful. She just gave me a bunch of strategies for managing simple things, things like exercise, scheduling space from the kids, making time for me to have space to just be quiet. And just process my emotions. And there's lots of unhelpful thought patterns going on. I needed to work through things like, I can't do this, and failure and things like that, which, you know, aren't helpful for moving forward and aren't necessarily true. I can't remember the specific strategies she had for that. But we did work through a lot of that as well. Yeah, she suggested I can see the medication. And I politely listened, whilst already dismissing it in my mind. I think I was just scared. I didn't want to be dependent on medication and didn't know how my body would respond. So I worked hard to try and manage it in other ways. So I saw her right up until like, the week before we left Sydney. And I was managing a lot better.

 

Laura Smith  

Yeah, cool. Yeah. What happened after you left Sydney?

 

Bec Ford  

So we moved back to the coast. And I think that was really good, because I had a lot more support up here. But then I had all three kids at home. No one was in daycare. We've just moved. Dan was commuting, there were long days, and then good ol COVID hit. And I was full time mumming and homeschooling and entertaining. And I just, you know what it's like? I wasn't alone in that.

 

Laura Smith  

Yeah. But it's still very hard. Yes.

 

Bec Ford  

And so I felt all the feelings returning. And I felt like I was getting back to where I was, before I'd started seeing a psychologist just those feelings of angry, snappy, negative, dreading the new day, and having to do it all again. And I think what prompted me to go back to see someone was I just remember sitting next to one of my kids trying to put them to bed and just having this urge and this vision to just want to punch a hole in the wall. I was so angry. I just wanted the kids to leave me alone. And I remember thinking, I think I'm overreacting in this situation. Perhaps it's time to check in again. Yep. So I think that's what pushed me to go find someone up here that I could check in with and get some help. And I did end up on medication this time.

 

Laura Smith  

How was that for you? 

 

Bec Ford  

I was nervous because this isn't a depression medication. But the Pill has always reacted badly to me. So I've thought maybe just medication could be. So I was scared. But my GP is very supportive. And I chatted with another girl who had been through a similar journey. And she gave me her experience and advice on medications. So that was helpful when into the GP a bit informed. So that was good. And we decided to give it a go. Because I felt like I'd been working through this stuff for a few years now since Dominic and anxiety to Joshy with depression. And so we just went one very small dose at a time. And I'm still on it as being very helpful. So I'm glad I did give it a go. Yeah, yeah.

 

Laura Smith  

So I feel like you've had a pretty big few years. And like, a lot of really big feelings. How is your relationship with God during all of it? How did you feel as a Christian?

 

Bec Ford  

Yeah, it's, it's hard because depression and anxiety sort of influence all spheres of your life. And so that includes your faith and relationship with God. So I think initially, I felt a lot of guilt and shame. I remember seeing your song at church that had the line of ashamed I hear my mocking voice call out among was scoffers and the word ashamed just really resonated with me. Yeah, I felt such shame. All I saw was my sin, but had this wrestle of, I knew that in Christ, we have all we need, that we have the great news of hope and joy, but was not feeling hopeful or joyful. So yeah, not knowing how to feel about all that. I knew that in Christ, there was no more condemnation, but I was really condemning myself for feeling like the way I was when I wasn't coping better. And I think that made me scared to talk to God was cause to believe the lie again, that I had to have it all together to approach God, which isn't the first time in my life I've felt like that.

 

Laura Smith  

not uncommon. So through this experience with anxiety and depression, was there anything you learned about yourself or learned about God during this time?

 

Bec Ford  

Yeah, I read a helpful book called "down, not out, depression, anxiety and the difference God makes." And there's a line in it that he says "mental illness can be attributed to the general fallenness of creation. So chemical imbalance, illness, or specific transgressions of your heart, or the combination of the two." So that was really helpful for me to assess what was going on. Was it sinful? Was it an illness? And so to be kind to myself, because it is an illness, depression and anxiety, are sickness. And so taking medications, okay, and going to see professionals is good and helpful.

 

Laura Smith  

And they're good gifts that God has given us.

 

Bec Ford  

Yes, he can work through them. But also, it was good to assess my own heart and what sin may be contributing to my head and my feelings. And so for me, I think they were pride and control. So I thought I could do it all on my own, I had my plan, my kids, were going to be great. And I wasn't going to be too overwhelmed, because I was only going to have my two kids. And so when it didn't go as planned, I was humbled and forced to depend on God.

 

Laura Smith  

Was there anything comforting in God's word that you could cling to?

 

Bec Ford  

Yeah, I found it really hard to read my Bible during this time. I think just, you know, the fear and you had is just not in the place to sit down and read. But

 

Laura Smith  

I guess you were, you just mentioned that you were having these feelings of needing to clean yourself up to come to God. So when you do feel like that you don't feel worthy or good enough to read your Bible because you haven't been the greatest Christian in your own mind. 

 

Bec Ford  

Yeah, that's not motivating. Yeah, but I did clean to Psalm 23. I think it's just a passage that I've known for a while. And funnily enough, my counselor, she one was the sessions. I said to that I'd been reading it and she because she was a Christian, and she said, "someone gave me that passage on a card this week, and I knew it would come up for someone in one of my sessions", and she gave it to me, so I had the little card in my bag, and I just read it over and over and let it wash over.

 

Laura Smith  

I know that it is a bit of an iconic Psalm. But for the mums who are listening who might be new to being a Christian, or don't quite know it, would it be possible for you to read it for us?

 

Bec Ford  

Psalm 23. The Lord is my shepherd. I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me besides quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his namesake. Even though I walk through the darkest Valley, I will fear no evil for you are with me, your rod and your staff, they come comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil, my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life. And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.  Yeah, so I would just read it over and over. And there's a guy called John Foreman who has it in song, so I'd put it in the car. And I would try and hear it and just let it wash over me and remind me of God's character. And it did bring me great comfort. Now he refreshes my soul in this dark time. And so I can't do that. Yeah, when I felt like I couldn't do much else.

 

Laura Smith  

Do you have advice for any women who are walking alongside a friend who they think is struggling or is openly struggling with anxiety and postnatal depression? Because it is far more common than we realize. Do you have any advice on what you thought could have helped you? or What did help you during that time?

 

Bec Ford  

Yeah, it's hard to say because each person will walk the journey differently, I guess and want different things from people. But my biggest advice is just to listen, take her seriously if she seemed to be expressing an element of not coping or having a hard time. There are a few times I think in the depths of my despair, I just wish I could share with someone but wasn't sure how it would be received. And then there were times when I'd flag it with people and you know, plucked up the courage to say something and it was brushed off like, "oh, you're just a sleep deprived new mom, you know, oh, yes, we remember those days". And that's just not helpful. If you're really like, having a really hard time and you need someone to hear you. So just listened, bite your tongue. Because it is tempting to say those things

 

Laura Smith  

and I guess project your own feelings when you are also tired and feel down and not yourself. But Just giving her a chance to talk would be helpful. Yeah. 

 

Bec Ford  

Pray with her. 

 

Laura Smith  

And what about for the mama who is walking a similar road to what you've been walking?

 

Bec Ford  

Yeah, confide in someone you trust, who will take you seriously. For me, that was my husband, and some close friends. But yeah, if you can, or someone in your Bible study who you can trust and open up with, I highly recommend seeing a professional, if you're at that point, it can only benefit you and your family. The thing that used to convince me to go was, well, if this helps me be a better Mum, or manage my family better than it can only be a good thing. Yeah, but the biggest thing is, I guess, hold firm to who you are in Christ, no matter how you're feeling, feelings don't always provide the clearest indicator of who God is, and his love for us. And it's very easy to believe the lies that both your head in the devil feed you in those dark times that you think are true. So take rest in the truth. Yeah, that we know God loves us, He sent His Son to die for us while, we were still far off, we don't have to clean ourselves up to come to him, and that he carries us through. And I think it's hard to read the word in those times. But if you can somehow feed yourself the truth, whether that be... Dan used to read it to me sometimes when I just felt like I couldn't open it for myself. So maybe ask someone to read it with you or to you. Listen to it in song or audio Bible, the truth of the Word be louder than your thoughts.