Laura: Hi Lauren. And welcome to unsung stories. Thanks so much for joining us. 

 

Lauren: Hello. Thank you for having me. 

 

Laura: My pleasure, so that our listeners can get to know you a little bit more. Could you tell us about yourself and your family life and just what everyday life looks like for you? 

 

Lauren: I'm married to Scott we are coming up to 11 years of marriage. I'm a primary teacher and I'm currently running my own tutoring and piano teaching business from home. We spend a fair bit of time at the beach with our son, Xavier, who is now four and a half. And we had quite a long and unexpected road facing infertility and recurrent miscarriages to get to our miracle, baby. 

 

Laura: Lauren, I'm so sorry to hear. I'd imagine that would be an intense and drawn out few years. You've had I'd be keen to hear more about the details of your story and how that's all played out. But before we get into that finer detail, I'm wondering, has there been anything that's just stood out to you the most, as you've gone through this. 

 

Lauren: constant surrender to God and submission to him and his plans has played a huge part in my relationship with God going through that journey. The other one would be prayer and how powerful it is and how important it is. Not only personally between me and God. But the beauty of others praying with me. When I didn't have the words or the strength to pray for myself that definitely carried me through at times. 

 

Laura: What an encouragement already. Can I just start off by saying how thankful I am for your braveness and your vulnerability in sharing this story? It's really generous of you to share your hardest days with us. So I'm trusting that God will use that to love the women who are listening to this show. And who were walking a similar path?

One of my struggles when starting this show was who to talk to. Initially was going to chat to women of all ages and stages and still toy with the idea of doing this, but because I'm in the stage of motherhood the women who I could initially ask or my friends, that I would actually be hurting women who were walking this path of infertility, of really wanting children.

And I didn't want to hurt them or add to that grief. It's not uncommon for me to get messages from women who say they feel and I quote here a fraud for listening to the show because they're not pregnant or a mom that desperately want to be. And so if anyone is listening to this and feeling like that, just please know that you are welcome here.

Of course you are. Because the underlying heart stuff that we chat through in the stories on this show, And while we're using examples relating to motherhood, we all have similar heart struggles or seen or wrestles just playing out differently. So I do, I just want to let you know, you are welcome. Please don't feel like a fraud for this. 

 

Lauren: Church can be a bit similar to when we're in the thick of out infertility struggles, we find it really hard to be at church. I definitely found that and Scott would sometimes he would describe it as a party for babies and we weren't invited.. Church can be really hard 

 

Laura: understandably. I'd imagine that's really hard to navigate like your home being a place of pain. How did you manage that? 

 

Lauren: it was interesting. I was attending a church in manly at the time. And morning church. There's lots of babies. There's lots of pregnant people around and I found it so natural and easy to be excited and happy for some friends, but then there were others that it was so hard not to be angry and jealous and just feel that. Stab in the chest. And those feelings are awful for anyone to experience.

But as a Christian, we are called to be rid of anger and jealousy. And that just adds another whole layer. Complexity. I remember thinking to my shame these people get babies when I so desperately want one, but then they also get like dinners cooked for them and presents and parties and everything that comes with a baby, which is such a joyful time for them that you want them to have, but it can really add to those feelings of hurt for yourself. 

 

Laura: That's really hard, Lauren. I often feel this tension, particularly at church when I know that there's a couple struggling to have a baby and I never know how to love them. Is it too painful for me to be running off, to crash mid conversation?

So sometimes I choose not to stop and chat. Is that a good thing or not a good thing, or it's just tricky and navigating how to. Each other in these painful seasons. 

 

Lauren: . , it is really tricky. And I don't know if there's a right answer for that. Everyone's going to have a different response and feel differently and that will change depending on the day or the experiences they've had that week. Sometimes it can be helpful to bring it up with them. Or I have found that just a hug we'll often do. But I always appreciated my friends asking how I was also a way that I felt love was just by little token gestures, like cookies bait for me, or flowers from their garden, little care packages or just something small, that was an acknowledgement of what had happened.

And then that opened up an avenue to. To them about it. Either then if I felt like if I wanted to, or at a late a time, it just made that opportunity a bit more open if I'd know that they'd reached out in even just a small way. . 

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Laura: And that they're thinking of you beforehand, they've made do cookies. They've seen the flower and thought of you and it's not just, oh, Hey, how you going? I've heard that you've had a bad. 

 

Lauren: definitely. Just the knowledge that you have been in their thoughts carmakers can make a huge difference. . 

 

Laura: That's really helpful. I guess as heaps that we could chat about relating to this topic but I'd love if we could hear your story, if that's okay with you.

 

Lauren: sure. 

 

Laura: It probably makes most sense to start at the beginning. So could you tell us about when you first started trying 

 

Lauren:  We started trying around three years into married life. We went into this very naive and expectant. We were excited when we fell pregnant quite quickly. I remember telling our parents at around six weeks we booked in to see our obstetrician. It would have been the 11 week mark. We had a bit of a chat and then he put the Doppler on my stomach and kind of moved it around. And then that subtle look of concern, not being able to find a heartbeat.

Came onto his face. He was like oh, don't worry too much. Your dates could be out. We'll send you for a scan. So this was also new to me. I didn't know how common this was to be sent for a scan. We still had some optimism going on. But it was then that we discovered at the scan that there was in fact no heartbeat.

And we had lost our little life at seven weeks, three days. , we had, what's called a missed miscarriage. We were really sad and a bit shocked. You go from that biggest high of finding out you're pregnant. The lowest low in the space of a few seconds. And at this time I was sad.

I didn't doubt God's goodness, and that he knew this was coming. Obviously that sort of took time after the initial shock. But I still had hope that he loved this life too. I ended up having a DNC and. I remember being in quite a bit of pain, they do say you experienced cramping and bleeding afterwards.

So , that was for. . An awful experience. . After that three months later we were pregnant again. This time our OB suggested an early scan and we were really keen to get that to for peace of mind. At about seven weeks, we were booked in for a scan. But yet again, we were met with that same concern glance.

Once that went on. Turns out we had, what's called a blighted ovum, so that early embryo never develops or stops developing, but still creates the hormones. But the gestational SAC is actually empty. And I didn't miscarry naturally after about nine or 10 weeks, that's what they say should happen.

He recommended that I have misoprostol, which is a pessary that you insert in. To bring on a miscarriage. And this was just horrible. I remember being in the toilets at Royal north shore hospital and putting this thing in so that my body would do what it's supposed to do. And at this point I felt quite distant from God, blocking him out because the intensity of the situation just meant.

I couldn't reconcile what was going on with a God who loved me, even though I still had the head knowledge of trusting God, my heart really struggled to be there.  

 

Laura: Oh Lauren

 

Lauren: it was really awful and just very physical , everything's mixed together can be very confronting and confusing.

At this stage we started to open up to our Bible study group. We were leading a group of being used to. Scott and I, at the time and also another couple of our age we're in our group. It was actually a big blessing to be able to share with them what was going on. Most of them were younger, so it gave them a bit of insight into what can go on.

But also helpful not having people who had what we were wanting. We didn't have immediate people, Popping out babies. , that was helpful in a way. Actually the couple in our group faced their own fertility struggles. So we were able to share in that together, which was guessing for us both, .

So after that obstetrician wanted me to get some baseline testing done, even though it's more common to get testing after three miscarriages, we went after two. The specialist couldn't find anything to sinister from those initial tests for both Scott and high. So we tried again under her with some added vitamins and fell pregnant quite quickly.

And by this stage it had been a year since the first pregnancy and it definitely wasn't excitement anymore. It was just more of a nervousness. A dread of what was ahead. So the symptoms started and we made it to six weeks, but then miscarried again, naturally this time, Lauren, 

 

Laura: it's not even the same thing each time.

 

Lauren: That was the confusing thing. It was , it was very different experiences for each of these. 

 

Laura: It's not as the. Okay, so I'm going to a scan and I'm expecting they like you, you really had every surprise available to you. 

 

Lauren: And I was really not aware of all this, that all of this can happen having babies. So , you trying to learn as you go about all of this, how normal it is and why is this happening? And . , it was really difficult. And unfortunately, through a hysteroscopy, we found that I had significant retained product, which is an awful phrase, but , basically it hadn't all come out.

So I ended up needing a procedure anyway, so in other deans . So at this point we were starting to have real doubts about being parents. This hadn't been something that we'd considered would be an issue for us. I remember crying out to God and.

Petitioning him for a healthy pregnancy. As a Christian, I believe what the Bible says is true. That God created me and loves me. And he is my pres. So why would God be giving me these babies and then team? 

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Lauren: I was sad and confused and angry at him. I would curl up in bed with my heartbroken and sobbing, crying, just asking why again, and throughout this time I'm so grateful for friends and family and support around me. We told all our friends, we had to, we were. Ourselves, we weren't going to events.

We had to explain why we just disappeared off the social scene. We felt so flat. Our confidence was just shot. But things that really helped me, like I said before, were just beautiful friends, sending either meals to my door or little things to cheer me up. 

I knew I had people praying for me and sending me messages, checking in. I really appreciated all of that. Church was still really difficult feeling like you weren't part of a group that you so desperately want to be a part of, but my friends who knew what was going on were just the best. They would sometimes change conversation topics.

If they were headed down the path of talking about babies and pregnancy, or they just whisk me away. If they could see I was getting upset. So sharing what's going on in your life with those close to is really important. But one of the biggest blessings. Profound things for me was sitting and praying with two older women who I worked with.

I knew people were praying for me, but to actually sit and be in their presence while they prayed often words, I just couldn't pray for myself because I was too shattered was just transformative. They would petition go out on my behalf. And one of the women had been through her own infertility struggles. So she had a deep desire to walk with me on this journey, which I'm so thankful 

 

Laura: for. Oh, that's beautiful. Oh and I bet you are still in the middle of your story, but I just feel like this, so much that you're going through. So I'd just love to know. What advice would you give to the woman who's in that spot of, angry and all the big emotions that you were going through?

 

Lauren: I probably have two suggestions. The first one is smaller and practical, but get off social media as much as you can. You can control triggering things in real life. Avoiding the pregnant friend. But econ control what pops up on your feed and that's going to set you off. So try not to add to your grief, but protect yourself in a way.

And instead just do something nice every day for yourself without your phone nearby. The second thing and the most important thing would be acknowledging the power of prayer. Tim Keller's book on prayer was one of those books that just caused a huge mind shift for me. I highly recommended, and I'd love to read a part of Tim Keller's book on prayer.

That really helped me. , that'd be. He writes of an analogy to mining by someone in Norway. I know nothing about mining really, but this really stuck with me that demolition to create mine, shafts took two basic kinds of actions. There are long periods of time when the deep holes are being bored with great effort into the hard rock to bore the holes deeply enough into the most strategic spots for removing the main body of.

Was worked that took patients steadiness and a great deal of skill. Once the holes were finished, however, the shot was inserted and connected to refuse to light the fuse and fire. The shot is not only easy, but also very interesting. One sees results, shots, resound, and pieces flying in every direction. He concludes that while the more painstaking work takes both skill and patient's strength of character.

Anyone can light a fuse and this helpful illustration warns us against doing only fuse lighting, pres the kind we soon drop. If we do not get immediate results, if we believe both in the power of prayer and in the wisdom of God, we will have a patient prayer life of whole boring. So I guess my encouragement is whatever your situation you find yourself in, where you feel your prayers are unheard. Just keep digging. 

 

Laura: Isn't that amazing? I've never thought of it like that, it's just helpful and encouraging to, to keep going. So sorry, I interrupted you, you go back to your story. You're up to feeling like you were really struggling but holding onto the momentum of the people around you, who are pointing you to God and helping you hold on, what happened next?

 

Lauren: I had some tests that found my immune response to new cells is heightened and my body attacks the embryo. So I was put on a bunch of medication, needles, tablets, pessaries infusions. But we had hope again. And about three months after the previous miscarriage, we fell pregnant. 

 

Laura: That's encouraging okay, we've fixed the problem. What 

 

Lauren: it is. We fixed. . Bit of answers feeling good again. So all of these meds finally found out what was going on. Lots of people praying and feeling okay, this is. What we needed, we've got this. However, when coming in for a scan at about seven and a half weeks, again, they couldn't find a heartbeat.

So another missed miscarriage, which meant another day and see and we were just crushed. This is when I really felt abandoned by God. I remember driving in the car, home from hospital thinking God has abandoned me. And those feelings stayed. They stayed for awhile. But like I still knew and I held to the truth of the Bible that he loves me and was working for my good, but it didn't feel that way, even though I knew it in my head and I've always loved two sons and they are some 37 verse four, delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart and another one.

Chapter 27, verse 14, wait for the Lord. Be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. So I knew I had to wait, but I was tired of waiting. But life goes on and I was a keen D teacher at the time. And they were a massive blessing, kindie kids so happy and hilarious and distracting. And I needed that.

And my friends, empathy and walking with me in my grief was such a comfort. It really was God's provision and KIPP, but particularly looking back. , God's provision was huge. And it was after this fourth loss, having had the highest level of treatment that my specialist could offer. When the worst case conversation came.

We didn't have other options available. We could get pregnant easily, which is such a blessing in this world of longing for a baby. They're equally painful because we just kept seeming to miscarry and we didn't know why. And the specialist just said, there's nothing more we can do for you.

And when I heard those words, I was just numb. We were in her office and there's just nowhere to hide. You just have to sit there and cop it. She did give us the name of this controversial doctor who worked in the south of Sydney, who may be able to help us. But I just remember hanging to reach those glass doors and escape so I could fall apart.

And we did. We just cried and , I felt horrible. So after a time of grieving we started to look into adoption. We got the paperwork and started to read through it all. And just wonder whether this was God's plan for us. Looking back on it. I think We went about it the best way.

We didn't really pray much about it. I remember just reading. In this kind of weird state, there was so much processing going on. We just were going through the motions because we felt like that was our only option and okay, what do we do now? That human nature of what can I do in this situation?

I remember just coming to a place of total surrender. I remember thinking. There is nothing more we can do. This is so out of our hands, Lord, mayor, we'll be done this life. Isn't about me. And I just submitted whether we had our own child or not. I was sitting at his feet. I remember that decision.

And you just have to keep coming back to that. There's been many more times like this in my life, or I just have to come back to total surrender and waiting. . In the meantime we did book in with the recommended doctor or reproductive, immunologist, and started to feel hopeful that he could help us and other stone left unturned type thing. And we wanted to try whatever we could to full . To keep a pregnancy. 

 

Laura: And then how has your heart at this point, so you mentioned that you felt abandoned by God. Were you still feeling me. 

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Lauren:  it's just that disconnect between head and heart. So knowing everything that I knew and having the people around me this waiting did help me understand God's heart for those who experience pain and grief, because you do go looking for it.

You need to find answers and find where God is. And when going through loss of a lie, It just feels as though God is very far off, but actually in the Psalms, it says the Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. And when we experience pain and grief, no tear that falls is hidden from him.

And the Bible says suffering and pain produces stuff in us, perseverance character and hope. And you can't get those things unless you walked through it. I had to trust in God that he knew what he was doing, I had to trust his timing. I had friends who were speaking truth to me and pointed me to the Psalms during suffering. And I'm so thankful. , too good for them. . 

 

Laura: And having that community around you to keep you keep going back to the Bible, because we all go through seasons of doubt. And if you start listening to unhelpful and untruthful advice, it would be very easy to wander. It's very easy to listen to the world.

 So I'm just saying like you said, looking back saying God's provision. Like that is just God providing his people to. To be a bump-up back to him. Yep, 

 

Lauren: absolutely. That's what it was for me. I had these people around me who loves the Lord and could point me back to his word. . 

 

Laura: For all of us, because we can all be that person lovingly to other people in their times of doubt, but also. when we are going through these struggles to lean into that. We've spoken about it on another episode, on doubt with rage earlier, in season one. In those times, lean into God's people not pull away. Definitely anything else that you clung to?

 

Lauren: .A vest that I absolutely con to was Romans 12, 12. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction and faithful in prayer. And that's what I tried to do. I also listened to Lauren Daigle a lot. And her song trust in you has the lyrics. When you don't move the mountains, I needed you to move when you don't part the waters so that I could walk through when you don't give the answers.  As I cry out to you, I will trust in. And if my journey had a soundtrack, that would be it. That's great. 

 

Laura: So what happened next in your store? 

 

Lauren: So we went to this doctor who did again, more tests significantly increased my meds. So we had a therapy where Scott's white blood cells were injected under my skin. Yep. So that was so that my body didn't react to his DNA type thing. I had infusions every two to three weeks, which was eight hours in hospital over the weekend and continued along with Clexane injections, progesterone pessaries and prednisone. So this was all happening while still working and, I'm a teacher, so recess would come along and I'd be like,  smuggling all my drugs into my bra or under my jacket and just heading to the bathroom. I reckon I walked past a librarian every single day at exactly the same time she must've been

like, yes, it's serious cycle something going on. It, it was all encompassing. We were trying everything to have a baby. So now we really thought, okay, if this doesn't work, there are no other options for us. We had lots of prayer around us and we were praying like crazy. And I had a total sense of it's all out of my hands.

I'd come to this. , raw understanding of baby or no, baby. I submit to your plan. God, not what I want. And even now spoiler alert as they have a child that message is still the same. There's still a real sense of not my will, but yours Lord 

We fell pregnant again. And we had a heartbeat at our seven week scan. . I remember just hugging that little photo. They give you so tight to my chest and just thinking you are the one finally we were feeling more hopeful for this pregnancy than any of the others, and we knew we're in good hands.

But then I started to bleed at about eight and a half weeks. So I had a scan and it confirmed. Dreaded. We already knew that we'd had lost this little life as well. I just remember staring at the ocean town photo. I had sitting on my bedside drawers. When we were home, just tears, just streaming down my face, thinking.

I thought you were the one. , the doctor had given me. Specimen jar to try and get the fetus for testing. , so we'd had the previous ones tested and they all came back normal. So we knew it was my body creating the problem. And I'm thinking, how the heck am I going to know what I need to find?

This is really gross, but it feels like there's just blobs of jelly. It just coming out of you and there's blood everywhere. And there was one night that bleeding was very heavy and I was just bent over the toilet bowl with an empty 12. Searching through the toilet. I was just an absolute mess.

I couldn't see my vision was just so blurred from crying and I was shaking and I was just like, I just need to find this thing and get it in the jar so hard. So eventually what I thought could have been it, I didn't really know, but I just tried to put it in there and I put it on the bathroom shelf ready to take into a pathology lab before work the next day.

And again, it was just a numbness toward God through this and knowledge that he was still good in. Love me, but just so hard to reconcile that with what I was feeling. 

 

Laura: Oh, you had to do as well, like that's  . Just, .

 

Lauren: It's such a, you don't want to engage with it because it's. It was very physical and 

 

Laura: very confronting. Very tangible reminder. . 

 

Lauren: You still got a plan I'm like, okay. So I know there's this pathology lab on the way to work, but it didn't open till eight. So it was going to be a bit later to work than usual. I was already feeling a bit stressed about that. But , I turn up at this lab and walk in with my jar and say something like, I need to send this off, please. And for some reason, the lady behind the desk just couldn't work out what I was trying to give her. And I'm not sure whether her English was broken, but she just kept asking me, what is it?

And I just couldn't say what it was and the words just couldn't come out of my mouth. And I burst into tears There was this lovely lady sitting, waiting who just jumped up and gave me a hug, which was so lovely. And , like I managed to say, I had a miscarriage and the doctor wants me to send this off.

So she just took it and the stranger said some really lovely things and just gave me a smile. And I finally got out of there and that was the worst. So very late to work. I was a mess, had to clean myself up. . The test came back as a mail carrier type. But it had a chromosomal abnormality.

So that's a good thing because it meant that it wasn't my body, this that's okay. And our next appointment with our doctor. We were just thinking like, where do we go to? But he was very calm and said, don't worry, we'll get there. And just reassured us. , he was really calm. And so we just booked in, again, some more infusions, more treatment, ready to try again.

 

Laura: Was there any worry about there being chromosomal abnormalities? Could the treatment of course that, or was that a concern when you had say. 

 

Lauren: Not really not with the treatment. So the doctor had said to us, this is only for your body. The only side effects are on you. Oh, actually being on prednisone, they have a higher risk of cleft palate because that's a steroid for me. . . So there was a higher risk of cleft palate, but that was for the baby. 

 

Laura:  I had. Just like 

 

Lauren: normal. . 

 

Laura: Oh gosh. That's another thing, Lauren.

 

Lauren: , that's the one in four, miscarriage, stat. Wasn't an, a higher risk of chromosomal stuff. It was just by chance. 

yes, so We did we had the treatments again, all the medication started again and we fell pregnant again every two weeks. I spent all day Saturday in hospital. And thankfully we had a heartbeat at seven weeks and that delicate balance of being excited, but also petrified. We had regular scans. When we got to 11 weeks, we actually couldn't believe it. A 12 week scan had glowing reports and we just felt a huge relief.

And we're just so thankful. We didn't announce it to anyone, but our close circle. It was beginning to feel real. We booked in for our 92. The scan. And once again, everything was great. But then at the end of the scan, she was taking ages to measure my service. And we would just okay, what's going on? Why is she taking so long? And Scott asked is everything okay? And she said she wanted to go and get someone else to check. So of course we start to panic wonder what's going on. And it turns out my cervix was only 20 mil and they liked. To be up near 50 or 60. We think because of all the procedures I'd had, it meant my cervix had shortened.

So there's risk of pregnancy loss, preterm labor, early delivery, all of that. So we're highly stressed and Kohler obstetrician, as soon as we got out. . He's I already know they had already contacted him. So this was a Friday evening and then I was booked in on Monday for a cervical stitch.

So they stitch up the cervix to stop premature labor and that went okay. But then I was put on strict bedrest. So one day I was at work and then the next day I called my boss and I said, I'm pregnant. And basically I went. . Only a handful of people knew I was pregnant. So it was really strange. It was like, I just disappeared. My year four class was stranded. I do think it was good that are in year four, even. . Even SU very strange. But so , I was on bedrest. The doctor was still not happy with my progesterone levels though. So we had to order special progesterone injections as well as the pessaries. And these had to be injected every second day into my bum. I have a best friend, who's a nurse. And I remember meeting her in a shopping car park, halfway between our houses. So she could, we felt like we were doing drugs. Cause it 

 

Laura: was like, is anyone doing drugs? 

 

Lauren: We were, . So she pulled out the needle and chubby, that was pretty funny. And then we ended up going to our local nurse for her to do it. And then that got pretty annoying every second day. So then Scott just learnt how to do it off his auntie. Who's a nurse. And so he injected a needle into me every second day, which was very romantic. Oh goodness.

 

Laura: Like my husband would be the last person I'd want. I'd probably say the least. 

 

Lauren: I did try lots of other options. There's got to the point where I was like, oh man, that's just let me do it. 

 

Laura: My mates was alive and 

 

Lauren: well, then he was amazing. On bed rest, he had to go to work, but he wouldn't line up all my water or my meals, everything I needed for the day, he would get it all sorted and then he'd come home. Do everything like. 

 

Laura: Blokes like to do stuff. And man, at least he could be involved in that hopeless feeling. He can line up the meals. That's great. If he can stick a needle on your bum, like maybe that's good. It gave him something. 

 

Lauren: Absolutely. And actually another really nice thing was this baby was at the front of my stomach. So Scott actually would listen to his heartbeat every 

 

Laura: night

 

Lauren: So that was his reassurance which was really amazing too. That was really cool. And so when we got to 34, 35 weeks, I started to relax a bit on the bed rest and I could get up and move around. And I went out for my birthday and that was my only outing as a visually pregnant person.

 

Laura:  that would have been humbling. All that time that you would have been pregnant bellies everywhere and praying that it will be your turn. 

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Lauren: hope you shut it off. That did. . So then finally, 38 weeks the day came for a Caesar and it was just the biggest rush of relief and happiness that we finally had our baby boy and , we're so thankful for him every day.

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Laura: It's just  the. . Both your baby and your story. There's so much in there that I'm personally encouraged by. But especially a choice when you're feeling abandoned by God. And I know I keep coming back to this, but I would just want it so easy in that moment to believe the lies and walk away or the struggle to trust in God in that. I've been really encouraged to hear how God's people upheld you and carried you through it and . . Just really highlighting that wrestle. Cause we all can go through that. No matter what the circumstances are, so thank you for sharing. I'm wondering what's it like now, because I mean that journey and grief doesn't stop there. Particularly because you can still get pregnant 

 

Lauren: easily. . , because we fall pregnant easily. We've been really careful not to fall pregnant. Scott and I have since spoken about. If we would do it all again. I did have some tests to see what my body was doing. Wednesday was about two and a half. But it, my body was showing like the same levels that it had before. So it would likely be that we need all the treatment again. And we just found the grief and trauma of all of those losses has really affected us. I don't think we can go through it again. I guess for the health of our marriage and our mental wellbeing and , for zave like just, that was all really.

Really traumatic. I'm very conscious that it is something that people into it again so quickly after having a baby. And I really feel for them going through that in the midst of parenting, that would be really tough. That's been a continued part of our journey still trusting in God for the plans he had.

For me, but also now for my son's life. And that zave will be okay without siblings. And we can be so thankful and content with the three of us. I'm just so thankful that we are part of God's big family. And save does have brothers and sisters in Christ. 

 

Laura: That's really beautiful. So you know, there's so many women feeling the pain and the hurt that you have. Feeling abandoned by God and feeling that loss of control over our plans and hopes doubting God. It's felt in so many different ways. Is there any truth that you'd want to remind that person or any hope or in cart or any hope or encouragement that you'd have.

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Lauren: I think preaching the promise of God to yourself, that he is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. When we experience pain and grief. It's like he catches each tier in a bottle and you use as a, in our lives, the pain and suffering producers, staff, it produces perseverance character and hope and hope does not put us to shame because God's love has been poured out into our hearts, through the holy spirit who has been given to.

And ultimately God knows what it's like to lose a child, and Jesus knows what it's like to be abandoned. And I guess the fact that Jay's has experienced that on the cross makes him relatable in our pain. And that helped me too. 

 

Laura: That's really beautiful. Thank you so much for coming on and just being vulnerable and real and honest. I've been really encouraged by it. Could I ask you to wrap up the show by praying for both the women who are struggling is her family plans on eventual rating, but just for the women who are struggling and feeling alone or abandoned right now. .

 

Lauren: Father God, we come before you knowing that we don't deserve your love. And yet we know you will answer us when we call on you, because one terrible day, you didn't answer Jesus. When he called Jesus, got the great silence when he was on the cross. So we could know that you hear us and answer us. Lord. I pray for women listening who have experienced or are experiencing miscarriage, please file the beanie to them and help them to know that you are grieving with them.

And you are close to. For all the women who want to be mothers, but aren't Lord this situation just isn't bringing forth that opportunity. Lord, we ask for your path who hand to be at work in their lives to bring about the desires of their heart in line with your will. And for those of us who are feeling abandoned or alone, Help us to proclaim your promises to ourselves and to help us to ask you for things with boldness, with honesty and diligence, yet with patient submission to your will, and wise love help us to continue our whole boring prayers.

And to also be aware of those around us, who may be hurting and feeling grief that we might pray for them. And with them. And we pray all these things in Jesus' mighty name. 

 

Laura: Amen.