Laura Smith

Hi, Sophie and welcome to another episode of unsung stories. Thank you so much for joining us. My pleasure, just so that our listeners can get to know you a little bit better. Would you mind telling us about your family and what everyday life looks like for you?

 

Sophie Harris

Sure. So I'm married to Ben, we've been married for just over six years. And we are currently studying at Moore College in Sydney. So we live in a shoe box in Newtown, with our two kids. So Ruben, who has just turned three and Eden, who is 10 months old,

 

Laura Smith

lovely.

 

Sophie Harris

Yeah.

 

Laura Smith

What did you think that motherhood would be like, before you had kids?

 

Sophie Harris

I guess, thinking about the ideal kind of picture that we all sort of have, you know, turning up to church on a Sunday, able to meet up with people during the week, you know, amongst your spare time, you know, maybe running a Bible study, going to play groups, making meals for people just, you know, using up all this air, quote, free time that you have when you have kids just to love people and spend time with people. I think for me, like, I've never really been super career oriented. I've always wanted to be a mom, and primarily at home, I think I never really sort of had visions of myself going back to work after having kids. Yeah, I think I did have this sort of like rosy picture of having just lots of time and, and sitting down with my kids and doing fun craft and playing games and watching them play while I sort of have the house organized and make all these amazing meals. And I don't know, just like that sort of quintessential picture that we have of motherhood.

 

Laura Smith

And that sounds like you also really held ministry and serving in high regard. I mean, your first answer was that you're wanting to invest in people and use your time invest in ministry and serve and spend your time doing that. What was your reality of motherhood?

 

Sophie Harris

I think there, there have been glimpses of all these things so far. And I mean, I'm only three years in to motherhood and this whole journey. So I think, you know, I guess in my mind, I thought I'd have more capacity than I feel like I do at this point. And I think I, you know, I did have more capacity when I had just one baby. And I probably will have more capacity again, when all the kids are in school. And you know, there's different sort of seasons, but it has surprised me just some of the really hard things. And one of the hard things I found is my oldest Ruben is quite a lot. He's really, he's always been really active. He's never played by himself for more than about five minutes. He's always like, you know, bouncing from one thing to the next. And he needs to get outside every day to get out a lot of energy. And then he crashes really hard. And, like, I feel like I'm probably describing just, you know, any three year old boy, I don't know, I think I'm surprised maybe by how hard I am sort of just finding particularly this sort of terrible twos threenager phase particularly because I do just feel like I've had to be saying no to so many things that I would love to be doing. But I think it's taken me a while to sort of just come to terms with the fact that I just don't have time in my week consistently to do certain thing I just can't take on leading a ministry at the moment whereas before kids Yeah, I was writing a couple of ministries and doing like various things with time I've few time so differently now I guess in relation to my capacity. One thing I've found is it feels like we have more time or like i don't know i mean even more time is the right way to put it but just bear is time available. You know, my my kids do nap during the day and they are asleep or in bed by seven 730 and so there is time but there's a lot in my mind notice running through what needs to get done just the events of the day and just like all this, like emotional kind of build up of being around humans all day.

 

Laura Smith

Yeah, you might have that time but do you have physical or emotional energy? and that will be different for everyone not only physically handle but what's your husband's work look like? How much does he actually chip in at home all of those other things come into it. Um, so what kind of heart issues did this new reality and these different expectation bring out in you

 

Sophie Harris

who lots of different things for one thing I've found myself quite a I'm feeling jealous of other people's kids who seem to be a bit easier to manage, I guess, you know, like the kids in the playground who aren't pushing over other kids are even jealous of my husband who, you know, gets to go out and learn all this amazing stuff about the Bible and about God every day. And he gets to use his brain and jealous of people who, yeah, get to go to work and can kind of separate their responsibilities, I guess, and leave things at the door and wanting to spend time with them and that kind of thing. So I think that's been a bit of a hard eye opener.

 

Laura Smith

And it's also tricky in your situation, because the things that are happening in your world, and the things that you're wanting to give your time to are good things, and they're too. It's not like your intentions. You know, I just want to go and do things for myself. your intentions are honorable. But I also think there's something to be said about being faithful to what God's put in front of us right now.

 

Sophie Harris

Yeah, I feel like that has been a lesson that I've just had to keep learning for sure.

 

Laura Smith

And I think everyone can empathize with you on that one in? Well, maybe I'm just projecting here, but I struggled so hard with being jealous, particularly of my husband, but around other moms who have higher capacity than me, I guess.

 

Sophie Harris

Yeah.

 

Laura Smith

How do you have that many kids? And yeah, well, and ,

 

Sophie Harris

and I think that's it, like I think I, I have learned to kind of just try making content with what I can do now, when I do sort of look at some of these women at church, you know, with three, four kids, and I'm just sort of like, well, how can you do it? And I only have two right now, and I can't do half of what you're doing. So what's wrong with me? Or all those kind of questions, but rather than asking that sort of trying to think, okay, yeah, well, what, what can I do now? And in this particular situation, rather than sort of saying, Oh, well, you know, when my kid goes to preschool, then I'll have more time and then I'll do this or, or whether kids are in school, then I'll be able to do this and that and just sort of hanging out for those times when I perceive I'll have more capacity or opportunities. But yeah, I think trying to, I guess, look for opportunities, where I am right now and take those has been a bit of a lesson.

 

Laura Smith

And I think that's really important, too, because it does come back to the What are you being faithful with, with what's in front of you? Because when you other woman who's doing these amazing things that you would like to do, you're then not wanting to serve out of this is what I have. I'm offering that to god you're serving out of I want to keep up rather than I want to be serving God with what I have.

 

Sophie Harris

That's exactly right. Yeah, I think our motivations are very revealing in I guess, those kind of like situations where we feel a little bit overwhelmed.

 

Laura Smith

Yeah. What what actually is the root of you wanting to do more? Is it Yeah, part of serving and being faithful? Or is it actually just want to look like that Supermum?

 

Sophie Harris

Yeah, definitely.

 

Laura Smith

Did it bring out anything else? or?

 

Sophie Harris

Yeah, I think another big thing is how we prioritize going back to what we were talking about before, with having all of this sort of low quality time, we might have time, but we don't quite have the headspace or, you know, everyday, it's different. Sometimes we can't predict what kind of time we might have, particularly with young kids who are still napping kind of radically, but who knows what's going to happen. And so I think when I get these chunks of time, I have this mental list of cleaned the bathroom, cooked dinner for the washing. And then you know, what about reading my Bible? Or what about any other opportunities that I want to do or just finding what I want to prioritize has been so difficult. And often, my reaction is just to do the urgent thing, which usually is cleaning up around the house or cooking dinner so that I'm not like super rushed at 5pm. And so then it does just mean I don't get to do the important things, rather than the urgent things. And so, I think I've just noticed that not prioritizing the things that I would like to prioritize, and when I sort of, you know, step back and look at it's all those big things, you know, it's being in God's word. It's being a good friend. It's being involved in church and in people's lives, but then it's the day to day decisions that kind of shape whether or not that happens, and often it doesn't really show up in the day to day and then I sort of get a few weeks down the track few months down the track and I'm sort of like Well, I'm not, I'm not doing what I want to be doing slipping into what was easy and convenient been thinking a lot about how am I going to shape my priorities on the day to day rather than just looking at a big picture and then forgetting about it. Just like all that sort of basic, you know, setting goals stuff.

 

Laura Smith

And even in, in all of that, when you have this time, and you go, alright, I can be prepping dinner, or I can actually sit down and sacrifice my prepping dinner or sacrifice cleaning my toilet and giving that time to God. And it feels so mundane.

 

Sophie Harris

Yeah.

 

Laura Smith

Oh, god, I'm offering you my cleaning toilet time. It's that, okay, well, I feel like I don't have much, but I'm actually going to give this time to God. And it does cost, you know, we kind of look at it and go, that's not that valuable. But it's costing me like that woman offering one coin that was huge for her. And I do think God sees our heart in that my time is worth way more than my money in a season. And I feel like, I'm sacrificing with time. And yeah, it feels like such a silly and simple thing to do. But I think it's so important that we do make that spending time with God and priority.

 

Sophie Harris

Definitely. And I think when it is so hard in this season, have having young kids to make regular patterns, you know, just because like your days just are constantly looking different with having young kids is that I'm never doing the same thing every day. And so how do I really solidify the practice of reading my Bible and praying in a regular way when that nothing else in my day is regular? Even like waking up time? I that's been one of the hardest things that I didn't really think about before having kids

 

Laura Smith

Have you found anything that kind of helped that?

 

Sophie Harris

Yeah, I think I've tried a few different, I guess, ways of getting God's word into my every day. And I am sure I'll be trying many more different things as seasons roll by. But yeah, one particularly helpful thing that I committed to in 2020, was being part of a couple of different Bible studies, because I did find that reading the Bible with other people is so much easier to to really get stuff because so much of the time I you know, if I did find time in my day to sit down and read the Bible on my own, I think it was so hard to just sort of focus and not be thinking of the next 50 things that I needed to get done in that hour. And to actually think about it and mull over it and meditate on it and pray thoughtfully from it. And so it left me feeling really discouraged. So I think I found it really helpful to commit to a Bible study through church in the evening, every week. And then also one during the day with other women and wives from college. So having those very different contexts very different people, having both of those as stock standard events in my week was really helpful of getting me into at least two different parts of God's Word every single week, as well as on Sunday, even though it feels like not enough sometimes, or it feels Yeah, like a bit of a measly attempt to give God my time. But I think Yeah, that was kind of like the best I could have. Had, oh,

 

Laura Smith

I think that's amazing. One you're going to to Bible studies, not one, but like I can hear your heart in wanting to prioritize God and spending time in his word, but you have done that. And you're going to to Bible studies. And you know, as a mom, it's so easy to get on tired, I don't want to do that. But you've really prioritize that in your week as like, this is the time that I have. And this is what I can commit to and committed to that. So I think you've actually done a good job of prioritizing and carving out time in the week in your schedule, like you've wanted to, it may just not look as grand or as often as we want to do. And I think we want to do more and serve God in big huge ways. But sometimes that is just coming back to Alright, I'm committing to go to Bible study, because that's what I can do in the season with everything that I've got going on.

 

Sophie Harris

Yeah, that's true.

 

Laura Smith

How have you coped and what have you done with these hard things that have come up?

 

Sophie Harris

I think I've been like my natural tendencies to just sort of gloss over the hard stuff and, and just push on and, and look forward to sort of the next day in or time in the distant future when things are just going to be easier and greater and whatever that means. For sure. And this is all very, I guess live for me at the moment like, like I struggle with this stuff every day. And so I don't have a lot of answers in terms of great coping mechanisms. But like one thing I have been really conscious of as I'm trying to be more organized and thoughtful about my days and weeks has been really helpful because it means I free up some of my headspace to not have to worry about when I'm going to get this thing done or just feeling rushed. I think that's been really helpful. And I'm always trying to work at getting better at that.

 

Laura Smith

So back to the heart stuff with like jealousy and what you prioritize. What has God been teaching you those through those things?

 

Sophie Harris

I think what Yeah, one of the big things is just not not wishing that my kids were different. Not trying to change them, or I guess be ashamed of maybe things that I shouldn't be. I think that's been really yeah, hard at different times to come to terms with when I'm embarrassed by something that Reubens done. Oh, yeah, just wishing that he was, you know, a calm and placid compliant little human, because I think that I miss out on getting to know him, and who he is when I'm wishing that he was different. And I'm not acknowledging him for who God has made him to be. Because I think, yeah, all of those sort of temperament have positive and negative sides, I think I can see sin coming out in the way he acts. But I can also see, you know, real strength of character in lots of these areas, planning. So I think just trying to hold on to the joy of those moments, and and even enjoying sort of trying to steer and direct his energy, take the opportunities to helpfully teach him and guide him and parent in a way that he's going to learn how to be a productive human. And just try yet try and see all of those even difficult, tantrum moments as opportunities in amongst the frustration. Yeah.

 

Laura Smith

How has God been refining you through through that?

 

Sophie Harris

I feel like God loves to keep reminding me that. Life isn't about just getting through with minimal suffering, or difficulties, which I feel like is sort of the goal. Everything is about just sort of avoiding suffering in any way. And so I think, not to say that having kids is suffering, but I think there are lots of difficult things. And there's lots of hard even just conversations or situations. For me even just seeing, yeah, my own sin come out my frustration, my impatience. Just Yeah, an opportunity to see more of who I am before God as a really sinful person, and how much more amazing it is that he has saved me and that he died for me. Your sin is highlighted andemphasize so much more.

 

Laura Smith

You see how insufficient we are?

 

Sophie Harris

Totally,

 

Laura Smith

by the grace of God, that we survive, right.

 

Sophie Harris

And I feel like I've learnt so much about God, even like when you're dealing with the terrible twos, as they call them. So much of the time, I just would have this thought, in the midst of like, the just like feeling so frustrated, telling my toddler six times, you know, not to do something, and then he does it. And then he gets hurt or upset and I just feel like come on, like, just listen to me. And then I'm like, wow, this is how God feels about me. Like, he is probably banging his head against the wall just being like, just listen to me. Like, it's just like given me such a whole new perspective of God is so patient with me, constantly bringing me back to himself, just like I try and do with my toddler. I think that's been like just such a good picture to be reminded of, yeah, how silly I am.

 

Laura Smith

Your husband actually shared something on Instagram the other day that made me think about what you're saying in a little bit of a different light.

 

Sophie Harris

Oh, yeah.

 

Laura Smith

He was talking about one Corinthians and how God is not easily irritated. And it just made me think of my parenting. And I've always thought similarly to what you were just saying that be so frustrated. I'm so frustrated with my kids that I say this over and over again. And I then put God in parenting the way I do. And I actually was so encouraging for me because I thought, you know, if he's not irritated with me, he's not easily angered. He's so loving and patient with me. And so I get what you're saying. But I've also just had in my head lately, you know what God actually probably isn't impatient. I am or  Yeah, that's true.  I told you so I'm always right, which is how I parent. More probably that loving patient. Yeah. And I just come back to his patients and try and model that patients to my kids. Yeah. We seven times you didn't listen to me. Yeah.

 

Sophie Harris

Yeah, it is so true. Like, I think God is so much. Yeah, he's so much bigger and so perfect. Not a comparison. But yeah, we are worse than toddlers to him in the way we treat him.

 

Laura Smith

That's humbling, isn't it?

 

Sophie Harris

Oh, yeah.

 

Laura Smith

Do you have any tips or strategies for things that you do when you notice these heart things come out in you?

 

Sophie Harris

Yeah, the kind of like what I mentioned before about just, I think when I am feeling frustrated, or jealous of other kids and people I do just try to turn it back and just be curious about my kids and wanting to get to know them for who they are. And yeah, I've even found if I'm not too tired, or frustrated in the moment, but even in the midst of a meltdown, just wanting to understand, understand where he's at. And maybe Yeah, providing him tools with how he can deal with his emotions better and take everything is a learning opportunity for me and for him, and sort of rather than just feeling like, how inconvenient This is for me, no, you know, what, what do we need to learn in this moment? And like, Yeah, what's going on for you that this is so difficult for you? So yeah, I think that's been sort of a little practical tip that I've been trying to work on in the moment. I don't know. And I guess just being present, not just sort of dreaming of these non existent future times that are going to be simple and easy. But just sort of Yeah, being present in the here and now today, praying, you know, what opportunities? Can you give me today, God to, you know, love and serve you and serve others around me, even if that is just my kids. That's all who I'm going to see today. And just trying to be at peace with that and not, not want more? I don't know, that kind of thing?

 

Laura Smith

And would you have any encouragement for the mom who is struggling with similar feelings as she's parenting her little people?

 

Sophie Harris

I don't know. I mean, we're just at the beginning as well, like, I don't know, like one thing that I've just really noticed, particularly even now having a second baby, just really, Oh, I'm so much more aware this time of how quickly they change. And I get such a cliche, but like, they're constantly just changing and moving from one stage to the next. And so being content in whatever awful stage that your kid is in right now that it will pass. And then there'll be some other new challenge. I don't know. That's just been a comfort to me this time around. Yeah, just trying to enjoy where they're at right now and trying to focus focus on that. Yeah. And I think another thing, focusing on the things that last, just trying to focus on the opportunities that come up to have conversations that point people to Jesus or but yeah, just trying to have that bigger perspective in those everyday moments, taking the time to sit down and be in God's word. And be okay with not getting something else done. That's practical and right there in front of you. But just setting that aside and keeping the big picture as our focus each day to be in God's word and be hearing from him. And yeah, really wanting to make that a priority each day.